the life of a submissive

i got the interview!! squeee!! tuesday, 1pm. it's a group interview, which i've never done before, and i have NO clue what to wear, and i'm very excited!! i'm going to get this job and it will be mine and i will call it my squishy ... hehe ... *does a happy dance*

oh yes.

so how can it get better than listening to The Open Door, cruising online for no real reason, and being with Daddy all day?

oh, i know. my mom called.

and for once, it's not news that will screw up my life in the short run.

she wants me to do an Amy-esque photo shoot thing with her. she WANTS me to be Amy Lee so she can do pictures of me. i am still not sure if i believe it, or if i dreamed that at 11.13 this morning my purse vibrated when my cell went off and she informed me of this.

squeee.

My Personality

Neuroticism	69
Extraversion	63
Openness To Experience	75
Agreeableness	62
Conscientiousness	56

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i don't want it. i don't want to fuck, make love, have sex, whatever you want to call it. i don't want it. i don't want anything anymore. Vaguely, briefly, i might desire something on a whim. And then, a few minutes, half an hour, a couple hours later, i don't want it anymore. It doesn't matter.

i miss being able to make love and then cuddle. It's not fair.

i hate seeing the disappointment on his face.

Did i mention the collar is off for good?

Maybe that's why i'm so numb about everything.

No, i know that's not right. i was numb before that. i've been numb since the last two days of July.

If i could cry, i would, and maybe it would help. i hear him shut the door, and all i do is turn away and walk.

It's not fair. i can't even say that everyone else is happy, because i know they're not. So many people are unhappy, so many people are hurting and upset and angry.

i hate kissing him and then not being able to keep going. i hate hearing him ask me if i'm thinking of someone else. i'm not. i'm not thinking of anyone, of anything, i can't think. Why did i come back?

i'm not happy most of the time, and deliriously overjoyed occasionally, and i'm numb.

i can make him hard, but it doesn't make a difference. Right now, i can feel his hand around my neck, tight, the way he used to do, and that makes me want to cry. When i touch my neck, the collar is gone, that sense of belonging to him is gone, that sense of being owned ... is gone.

Nothing is the same. Everything is changing. i own a car now. my father gave me the car i've been driving. i started classes. i love my English class.

i am far more excited than i should be over buying these damn school supplies. i got three plain black spiral-bound notebooks, one Johnny Depp/PoTC2 spiral-bound notebook, four Sharpie Accent highlighters {all of them different colors!!}, and two black gel pens. {i think they're gel pens? maybe they're Bic. i don't remember.} And a ten-pack of mechanical pencils. i never know whether to use pencils or pen, so i go with what the majority of the class uses -- and i don't know what that will be until class starts! eeeek. this is always a big debate with me. pencil vs. pen. i know, it's dumb, but it always seems like they make a difference in how people {meaning teachers} see me and how seriously they take me. which leads to how well they will grade me. ack. what if my Johnny Depp notebook gets me lower grades in English because it's not as serious and professional as it could/should be??

i'm ashamed of myself.

i bought Victoria's Secret yesterday. This one, but in pretty white:


And no, that's not why i'm ashamed of myself. i'm ashamed of myself because i slept with Josh again. In my brand-new bra and matching pretty white panties. Admittedly, he gave me the money to buy myself an anniversary gift. In my favor, i did try to not take it. i did. i said i didn't need it, etc. Because in my mind, we are technically barely dating. i tend to see us as friends with-sometimes-benefits. Which i know he doesn't see.... And i can't think of a way to explain this to him without upsetting him more.

No matter what i do, i'm hurting one of us. Which sucks.

We went out to Five Guys for lunch today. Yummy. i haven't had Five Guys in a while. So that was kind of a treat.... Did i mention i splurged on myself and got John Frieda for my hair? Oh yes. Brilliant Brunette shampoo, conditioner, and the glaze that makes the hair prettier. And i love it. This is why people will pay $25 for hair product -- even though they can get something similar and not as good for cheaper. Hair is totally worth $25 every couple of weeks.

Plus it smells yummy....

i still don't know what to do in the dating-Josh area. i don't want to break up with him. We ARE engaged for a reason. i do love him. i just... don't feel like he loves me. Like he's either too distant, or too close. i can't deal with that. We've both put a lot into this relationship. i don't want to see it all wasted. But at the same time, i can't help but want something new, something different. Someone else.

my new AIM is xjsdollx. Just so you all know.

i know why the fixation on Memnoch. i have the unshakeable feeling that he cares. i kind-of talked to him earlier. He was going to come over, but his mom enlisted {read: voluntold} him to paint. i figured he was making it up cause he didn't want to see me, he thought i was being ridiculous, etc. Nope. And it was not because he doesn't want to do it with me. So i feel better now.

i also think i know where the idea that sex = love {or at least some form of caring}. This is Ducki's thinking, no? i've heard through Rose that Ducki and others push their thinking/emotions through me, so that i end up projecting/believing them. Classic case... i think? This would also explain the feelings of 14-year-old insecurity and panicking about talking to Memnoch {the reason that keeps coming out of my mouth being that i don't know what to say or how or why, etc}.

i swear. Muchly. i'm so confused.... ACK!!!!

Work tomorrow, 12-5. Yay, a half-day!! And a movie and maybe dinner out tonight.

*sighs* i really don't know what to make of this anniversary....

i was set on taking a break from the entire relationship, not just the D/s aspect of it, for a month. But i can't very well do that and justify going to see him. Because it's not fair to Rose to take her Daddy away from her.

On a more ... alarming note ... not a day has gone by since Friday that i haven't had alcohol in my system. i could get used to that. It makes everything better somehow.

The A/C broke in the Gibbs' house. So i will be staying at my mom's for a day or so, hopefully....

i can't stop thinking about Saturday night. About Memnoch. About Clarke. But mostly Memnoch. It's not fair. i can't have him, i can't keep thinking about him, this is completely fucking me up. i don't know what the attraction to him is. Well, no, that's a lie.

He listened to me while i cried.
He kept an eye on me while i went on my massive, self-destructing rampage.
He told me it would be okay.
He was going to fuck me.
He made me feel safe.
He was there for me when i ran away from Josh and dealing with the problem.

i feel so lost. i feel like now, he doesn't care. No idea why i think that, but i do. i wanted to see him at practice yesterday, and he didn't show. i want to see him, i want to know what, if anything, there is between us. This is so fucked up....

What if Josh hadn't been found drinking? What if he hadn't drunk at all? Would Memnoch and i really have fucked? i know i would have; would he have? Would he still? That is the most important question on my mind right now. Would he still fuck me?

And why am i equating sex with love? i never do that. i know better. The thought keeps coming to me though: "If he'll sleep with you, then maybe he'll love you." i'm sleeping with Josh. Why don't i think he loves me? Why don't i feel loved when we fuck? What is wrong with me??!